Series CThe DMT for this series was a waxy material, pale orange in color. Purity is not known, but was certainly considerably below the 98% level of the material used in Series B.
In the preceding weeks I had been reflecting on the DMT space, tending to the view that it is truly an alternative reality ("a separate reality" in Castaneda's words). Or rather, it is a reality which "surrounds" this one, and is, in a sense, "more real". It seems to me that hyperspace contains many beings, including ourselves - we, the "living". What distinguishes we, the living, from the other beings in hyperspace is that our consciousness is connected to a body and is strictly focused on bodily awareness. The other beings in hyperspace may be aware of us, but we are not normally aware of them because our awareness is normally totally overwhelmed by sensory input and the thinking and feeling associated with it. Another way of putting this is to say that we identify with the sensation/thinking/feeling made possible by our body. DMT temporarily removes our essential awareness from normal bodily input, and we become aware of hyperspace. A living person in normal consciousness is like the proverbial ostrich with its head in the sand - it is totally identified with something quite private and does not know that others can see it - and can affect it for good or ill. It seems to me that we are to some extent at the mercy of the other entities in hyperspace who, accidentally or intentionally, come upon us. The extent to which we are at their mercy depends on whether there are other entities who can and will protect us, and also on whether we are able to protect ourselves.
#23, 1990-11-90 (full moon), midnight
Having been very negatively affected by the last DMT trip in July, I decided to resume experimentation with a small dose. I mixed 20 mg. of DMT with mint leaves, recited protective mantras, and took one hit, in a sitting position (entering the DMT state while lying down now seems to me too reminiscent of dying). I got at least half of the DMT, but this was probably closer to a 10 mg. dose. A moderate effect came on, which I recognized. The effect was not strong, and there was no visual component. It was mainly a quiet, peaceful state, during which I directed prayers to the Vajrayana deities, asking for their protection. I expressed my reason for entering the DMT state, and asked to be admitted to the path, and gave my reasons for wishing admittance - shamanistic and Mahayana Buddhist reasons. I dwelt in this fairly peaceful state for about five minutes. Obviously the dose was too small for any major effect, but it was an auspicious resumption of this work.
One's attitude to the use of DMT seems to me to be rather important. In the earlier series I was simply exploring without a clear idea of what I was doing - which is probably how most people smoke DMT. Before smoking this time I formulated my reasons for doing DMT, as follows: Given the above view of hyperspace, as a circumscribing reality filled with alien entities, I wish to be able to be and to act in both worlds, to realize my nature as a being who can act in both worlds, and to meet with and to communicate with beings in hyperspace as well as in normal space. The goals for entering hyperspace are shamanic: to heal sickness and by non-normal methods to help others in this world, as well as to acquire knowledge by exploration and contact with spirit helpers. Vajrayana practice fits in very well with this perspective, and constitutes a philosophical and cultural development of traditional shamanism.
#24, 1990-11-04, 10 p.m.
Pre-experience meditation: I again examined my reasons for smoking DMT. It is "to walk in the two worlds", this world and the other world. I am surer that DMT provides access to the world which we enter when we die. Since, like all people, I am sure to die, I could, like most people, concern myself solely with this life, for I will surely enter the after-death state after dying. But I wish to prepare for that state by experiencing it before death, and by becoming, if not at home in it, at least able to handle it without fear and confusion.
I prepared the same amount as two days ago, 20 mg over mint leaves. After reciting the usual protective mantras I took two hits, being sure to get all the DMT. The effect was stronger than previously, although far from the intensity that I have experienced on other occasions. My mind was as if bathed in something, vaguely patterned, that swept over it in waves. There was also a subtle auditory component, with a strange rhythm; I have experienced this before and have compared it to shamanic chanting (session #9). It was harder to maintain lucidity in this experience, but I attended to reaffirming my reason for entering this state, namely, to become a man who walks in the two worlds. The experience was peaceful, and felt like a kind of blessing. Light doses such as this are definitely not hard to take, but the experience is simply the prelude to the overture to the real thing.
As the effect was wearing off I seemed to begin to tremble. At this point I opened my eyes and sat up (I had been reclining with my back against a cushion) and began to move my body. This may be the best thing to do when trembling begins.
During the post-experience reflection two days ago I felt the importance of returning to India to resume spiritual practice there, and to learn proper breathing techniques etc. as taught by the Hindu yogis. This evening the idea came to me to find a Tibetan monk or lama who would be willing to experiment with DMT. Most would not, but I expect one could be found who is knowledgeable in Vajrayana meditation and who is open to this new method of contacting entities in the other world. This could produce some very interesting results.
#25, 1990-11-10, 7:30 pm
In preparation I reflected on reasons for smoking DMT and then recited protective mantras. I smoked 20 mg. of the DMT wax, spread over mint leaves, in two inhalations. Unfortunately it caught fire a couple of times in the bowl, so I may not have got it all. I had resolved to remain sitting in a cross-legged position, as in meditation (of which I have done none for many years). The effect of the DMT was moderately strong, but not intense. I slumped back, observing the flux of consciousness (no visual hallucination), but I received the admonition to sit up straight and breathe properly, which I did, and felt better for doing so. While still under the influence of the DMT I identified somewhat with the Eastern yogis, in particular, the Vajrayana ngakpas. The effect may not have been as strong as before partly because of my intention to maintain an upright position, rather than simply giving myself over to the effects. Whether it will be possible to retain an upright sitting position under a larger dose remains to be seen.
#26, 1990-11-17, 6:45 pm
The usual preparation, no anxiety because I did not expect this experience to be especially intense (and it was not). I spread 20 mg of DMT wax over mint leaves. Smoked it in three tokes, sitting up with my back against a cushion. This time I intended to keep my eyes open, and did so. As the effect came on I reminded myself to breathe, and noticed a change in the visual field (I was watching some posters on the opposite wall). Colors brightened, and there were some patterns superimposed over some of the designs in the posters, but it was not widespread. After perhaps a minute I decided that there wasn't going to be much more happening externally and so I closed my eyes. There was some abstract, moving geometric patterns, but not colorful or intense. I basically remained with these patterns, with eyes closed, for several more minutes. Some thoughts of dying passed through my mind; I did not feel that death was imminent, but rather that the spirits might, if they wished, make one believe this. I also had the thought that dying was like removing a suit of clothes, and that one could expect to continue with or without the "clothing" of the body. This trip was not especially eventful, presumably mainly because the dose was low.
As the effect wore off I reflected upon a few current issues. Last night (actually, this afternoon) I had an interesting dream concerning Tibetan monks: I am walking in an open space surrounded by modern buildings. On the wall of one of these I see a large banner bearing the name of the Tibetan Buddhist center here, which I have not visited for several years. Initially I simply thought this was curious, but did not investigate. Then I heard some music coming from that direction, and upon approaching I discovered that a Tibetan ceremony was in progress, being conducted by young monks. I walked up and sat down among the monks. A very young monk, perhaps six or eight years old, came up to me. He had a very dignified bearing and was presumably a tulku. He and I immediately were in close mental contact, although I don't remember what we said to each other. There was, however, something important about the connection.
Although I plan to return to Europe before long, my wish to return also to India has been strengthened. One thing to do there is to learn proper breathing practices from the Kriya Yoga practitioners (rather than the lamas, who don't seem to emphasise correct breathing, although there are certain breathing practices in the secret yogas).
#27, 1990-11-25, 8:00 p.m.
Smoked 40 mg spread over mint leaves, in three tokes, sitting upright. My intention was to see what spirits, if any, are currently about me. As the experience came upon me I managed to keep that intention, or at least, "What spirits ...?", and also remembered to breathe regularly. A strange state of mind ensued, one of dynamic energy, in which I was not sure whether I was perceiving a scene, with a moving being, or not. I finally realized that the answer to my question regarding spirits was that there were indeed many around me, and that they were merry, hiding and playing a joke on me. However, I did not specifically see or hear any. Beyond this, nothing much happened.
10 - 15 minutes after smoking, some unexpected human visitors arrived, and I had to get myself together fairly quickly, which I was able to do.
#28, 1990-11-29, 8:15 p.m.
Sat upright against a cushion (against a wall). Recited the usual mantras. Reflected on reason for entering the DMT space, decided it was mainly to see what spirits are about me at present, and of what kind. If there are evil spirits influencing me then I wish to discover this and deal with them. 40 mg of the DMT wax was mixed with mint leaves. I took two inhalations, and a third with some difficulty, and got most, but not all of the DMT. Upon closing my eyes patterned visual hallucination arose, different from those previously experienced. It was as I was in a large hall, and the walls were surfaced with intricate, colored, moving patterns. I noticed this but my attention was not concentrated on it, since I was more concerned with looking for spirits. I did not see any. I heard a small noise in the room and opened my eyes briefly to check. Having closed them again the previous experience could not quite be recaptured. Some way into the experience there was a strange feeling, like a tendency to ego-dissolution, but not a serious threat to ego-integrity. While coming down I reflected on matters and people of current concern. This was not a profoundly moving experience, but interesting and worthwhile nevertheless.
Several days ago, on the advice of a friend with background in Santeria, I began making daily incense offerings (to the gods?). A couple of days ago I found myself reflecting on my next life, wondering how long it would be (after my death) until I returned. I realized it will be important to maintain continuity of consciousness from this life to the next (physical) life. This is what tulkus do. So it seems I aspire to be a tulku, not to be recognized as a tulku, but to maintain conscious identity through death and into the next life. This DMT trip was training in maintaining conscious identity and purpose.
#29, 1990-12-05, 9:30 p.m.
Preparation: Reflected again on my reasons for entering this state: To accustom myself to the spiritual world, to re-cognize my nature as a spirit, to discern any spirits about me and to relate to them appropriately, and to prepare for entering the spiritual world at the time of death.
I smoked 40 mg. of DMT wax, over mint leaves, in three inhalations, and got almost all of it. As before, I was sitting upright. The effects came on about a minute after the first inhalation. I vaguely recall that there was colored, patterned, hallucination, but I cannot recall clearly. I lost awareness of my body, except for my hands. To a certain degree I lost awareness of who or what I was, but I knew that I had some purpose in being where I was. It seemed that I was in a large space, and there was definitely something going on, but I did not attend to it because it seemed more important to remember my purpose, whatever it was. I had some difficulty in doing this, and was tempted to let go of this attempt to remember, but was vaguely aware that I should not. This is what is likely to happen in the after-death state: if one's intention is not firmly rooted then one will forget it and simply be swept away by the hallucination, with no control over one's fate. Eventually I returned, and opened my eyes briefly. I then remained with eyes closed for several minutes, during which time I felt as if in a vertical stream or current, as if something was flowing over me from above, a kind of energy. (This reminds me of the consecrations in some Tibetan empowerment ceremonies.) This whole experience was very impressive, despite the absence of any detailed vision that I can recall.
#30, 1991-02-07, 6 p.m.
After preparation, I smoked 40 mg. of DMT wax as usual, in two inhalations, and got most of it. I lost all awareness of my body, and became aware of observing a complicated, moving geometrical pattern, full of energy, but not brightly colored. I observed this for some time, trying to retain intentionality, and entered a second phase in which it was not clear what was going on. I do not recall seeing anything specifically, but I was tempted to lose awareness of myself, to be swept away. I remembered the name of the goddess, and held to that. The state was a little unpleasant, since I felt drawn into unconsciousness or at least into some non-ego state, and concentrated on maintaining self-awareness. This was possibly a test of my intention to die consciously. At one point I opened my eyes and briefly recovered awareness of my body as a way of not being totally swept away, then closed my eyes again. As the effects began to subside I gradually returned to ordinary awareness, thinking of a woman whom I met four days ago and whom it seemed to me I would marry. I found myself greatly wishing to be married to her soon (since death may come at any time).
#31, 1991-02-14, 7:00 p.m.
Smoked some of the DMT wax. Don't recall much of this.
#32, 1991-02-16, 9:05 p.m.
Smoked 40 mg. of DMT wax spread over mint leaves as usual, sitting up leaning against a pillow. Got most of it in two hits. As the trance came on I was overwhelmed with visual imagery that I did not even attempt to make sense of. I decided to maintain intentionality by remembering who I was. I could remember what my given name was, but I felt that I should remember my secret name. So much was going on that I had some trouble in remembering it. I felt some anxiety about this, since it would not do to die without being able to remember my secret name, and so with an effort I did finally remember it. I could then turn my attention to the visual component, and what I saw was an incredible amount of stuff coming at me in waves, sort of rolling toward me. There were two beings in the scene, and they were doing the rolling, definitely throwing all this stuff at me - not sure why. The scene changed, and there was more visual hallucination, but I don't remember the details - all happening very quickly.
As I came out of the trance I began to concentrate on this-worldly matters, and I asked who this lady is, now come into my life, and I felt that she was my mate. Gradually the effects wore off, without the trembling that commonly occurs.
#33, 1991-02-26, 7 p.m.
The material used in this and subsequent sessions is sometimes the pale orange, waxy material (now five months old) and sometimes the white powder, originally 98% pure (now nine months old). Due to age it is possible that there has been some decomposition of the DMT.
Smoked 20 mg. of white powder spread over mint leaves in a pipe and seemed to get most of it. I entered Level I, the translinguistic flow. This was pleasant and I remained there for a few minutes, but did not go further. This dose was not effective in producing anything interesting.
#34, 1991-03-01, 6:30 p.m.
I said the usual mantras in preparation. I felt a little drowsy. I smoked 20 mg. of white powder spread over mint leaves in the usual pipe. I took three inhalations and seemed to get most of it. I closed my eyes and went into the trance. I saw dynamic multi-colored patterns (colors not bright), and I was aware that this was (only) Level II. I abided there for awhile, hearing some kind of subdued, repetitive melody, akin to the shamanic chanting I've heard before. I was not clearly aware of what was going on, and at one point I seemed to be falling asleep. To counter this I opened my eyes; the room appeared strange, but not wildly so. Closing my eyes did not return me to the previous state, but I still felt that I could easily fall asleep, so I tried to remain alert and simply waited for the effects to wear off.
This was not a particularly eventful trip, but interesting because of the temptation to fall asleep. I have no idea what would have happened had I allowed myself to nod off, but I doubt it is advisable to do so.
#35, 1991-03-06, 7:20 p.m.
After the usual preparation I smoked 20 mg. of pure DMT over mint leaves, got it all in two tokes. After the first toke I began, as usual, to feel very strange. After the second toke I closed my eyes and went immediately into the trance. It was all very confusing; plenty of visual hallucination, but hardly comprehensible. At some times I was seeing a dynamic colored pattern, at other times objects of a fleeting nature. Occasionally I'd check in with my breathing, and recall who I was and where I was. But basically I thought: "This is just too confusing, you'll have to do better than this." After five minutes I opened my eyes, then closed them again, trying to remember and to make sense of the experience. I reflected on some personal matters. On returning there was a little of the flowing, "consecration" feeling. This material is still definitely effective, after eight or nine months, but I still have to learn to make sense of what happens. All rather puzzling.